Desiree Nicole

✨self-care for the soul ✨

Hey There!
Finding yourself is not really how it works. You aren’t a ten-dollar bill in last winter’s coat pocket. You are also not lost. Your true self is right here, buried under cultural conditioning, other people’s opinions and inaccurate conclusions you drew as a kid that became your beliefs about who you are. 'Finding yourself' is actually returning to yourself. An unlearning, an excavation, a remembering who you were before the world got its hands on you" -Emily McDowell

2018: The Year of Battle

2018 was the year of battle

Battle usually holds some kind of negative connotation but for me, it holds something greater. Battle holds possibilities, whether good or bad. That's just how life works. It took me a long time to figure that out. Things don't always go as plan and you know what, that's okay. If you made a mistake and learned from it, congratulations. If you accomplished a goal, congratulations. Do you know what that says about you? Whether or not you succeeded, you still won because you know what? You tried. You tried and despite the outcomes, you still pushed forward to be a better version of yourself. 

I started 2018 with a rocky start. I was going through a breakup and depression was at its worst. I was acting out of control and doing outrageous things for attention. Though I showcased an IDGAF attitude, on the inside I was disgusted at myself. This wasn't how I was raised and I was terrified at who I was becoming. I was constantly trying to drink my problems away and making a fool out of myself. I grew tired of everything at one point. Tired of feeling sorry for myself. 

Dealing with depression is a pain in the ass. Not only does it affect you randomly but it makes you feel lifeless. As ironic as this sounds, I used depression as motivation to clean up my act. 

If there isn't light in the dark, I will be the one to make it. 

During winter break, I sat down and created a mind mapping chart. My name was in the center and the key things that I wanted for myself, from career options to academic goals were listed around my name. I analyzed the chart and wrote in detail some ways that I could accomplish these goals. Often times, I tend to forget about writing out how I'll accomplish these goals. I mean, it's quite essential IMO. It's there for some kind of footing. 

On the list I included:

  • Graduate with my Associates Degree 
  • Continue my studies to obtain my Bachelors Degree
  • Publish a book
  • Get a TEFL certificate 
  • Complain less
  • Stop being hard on myself
  • Put me first 
  • Launch a Korean-pop culture new site
  • Get a passport
  • Pace my spending habits
  • Cut off negative vibes (people, habits, i.e) 

The more I analyzed this list, the more motivated I became over time. Depression was still there but subconsciously I went back to my old roots. I started praying twice a day (or more especially when anxiety began creeping in), meditating, and writing out my thoughts. My thoughts were written in a poetry and prose format. It was subconscious at first but overall, I had to sit back and laugh. I am truly a believer of, "everything happens for a reason". When I realized why I wrote my thoughts this way, I realized this would be potential content for my first published book, IRL: In Real Life. The book spoke about dealing with depression, heartbreak, alcoholism, and finding self-love despite the hurdles I faced. As I finished pouring my all into it, I felt at peace. As I wrapped up writing, I did the same for my emotions.

For the first time ever, I chose me.

As my last semester before graduation came, I had a new attitude alongside crippling anxiety. Not only was I taking five writing intensive classes but what was the next step prior to graduating? Despite creating the list, I had two options. Continue my studies or doing something spontaneous. Of course, I chose the later. I mean, it sounds more exciting and I was honestly tired of school at the moment. So, I started doing some research on TEFL (teaching English as a foreign language) certificate classes and I discovered i-to-i. Since I was graduating with only my associates degree, it's difficult to teach ESL abroad, but i-to-i offers TEFL courses as well as internship programs for those who have as little as a high school diploma. So, I chose to teach ESL in China (will be leaving in February 2019). Not only was this a spontaneous decision, but I also didn't think it would happen so fast. In high school, I always fantasized about obtaining my TEFL certificate and teaching abroad, and now that it's finally happening- I was and still am in pure bliss. 

2018 was the year of battle and despite the rocky start, I did it. I tried, I failed, and I succeeded. So, 2019 I'm ready to do it again.

As we go out with the old and in with the new, here's what I'm expecting in the year of 2019.